Day 8 feeling great? I guess so. Feeling pretty good at least. It’s a Monday. Morning routine was fine (happy I prepped those lunches!), and work was fine too. I had a bit of catching up to do since I was out sick last Thursday and Friday. But work was good, and even though my husband had to go away for just tonight (yes, again. No, he does not usually travel this much) I only had a fleeting thought about how my usual M.O. would be to drink in his absence. Which is weird. How did that become a habit, and why did I continue it?

I’ve also been wondering about how long it will take my body to recover from all the drinking. To the extent that I am able to recover. I understand that I may have done damage that cannot be reversed. Anyway, I mean, I’ve been drinking heavily for 10 years. I hope it doesn’t take 10 years to undo!

I may be selling myself a story, but I’d like to think I was pretty healthy considering my drinking. I say this because increasingly since my kids were born I have become more and more health conscious…except for my drinking. I walk (briskly – my dog makes sure of that!) about 3 miles a day on weekdays, and often further on weekends. In the summer, and to less extent the spring and fall, I swim, bike, paddle board and hike.

I make almost all of our meals at home. I eat a well-rounded diet. Partaking in processed food is a treat for me. I used to love desserts, but I stopped craving them as much because I lost my sweet tooth to either age or booze. Oddly, I have very good will power for almost everything in my life except alcohol. Vitamins? I take them on a routine basis. Skin care routine? Solid. Even drunk, I would force myself to floss, brush, and all the rest of it every night.

And the water! I have been crazy about water. I knew I was drinking too much alcohol, and I told myself that water was the antidote. The very first thing I do every morning is drink 12 ounces of water. I drink water after my morning walk, all day at work, and then to varying degrees at home. Many times I have tried the “I’m going to drink one glass of water in between each alcoholic drink” trick. The problem is, once I started drinking, I prioritized alcohol way too much.

So now, I just have to hope hope hope that all the good things I did for myself were able to hold off some of the deleterious effects of all the drinking I did. I feel like a little kid squeezing my eyes shut, crossing my fingers (both hands, and then crossing those hands at the wrist, of course) and whispering, “please please please please please please please” into the universe.

Please. Let me not have done stupid, needless, irreversible harm to myself that will shorten my life, or negatively impact the quality of the rest of my life. Please.