Today is the real Day 1. For real for real. It’s also May Day. Which I think is appropriate, since I feel like part of me has been yelling, “Mayday! Mayday!” for awhile now. For a really long while. Like maybe 10 or 11 years.

As far as how hard or easy today has been, I guess it’s been fairly easy. I have never drank on a work day in the morning before work, or at work, so there were no temptations there. Have I drank as soon as I got home? Yes. Even occasionally before 4pm? Yes. And have I developed a habit of drinking more when my husband is away because he’s not there to judge me and I don’t have to hide it? Yes. And, on top of that, I had no late afternoon or evening events. No dropping off at or picking up from sports practices, or games to watch. Nothing special to be busy with. And, I made a decent dinner. Cooking is a big trigger for me. But it still was not hard.

I’m not totally surprised. My husband and I have been trying to not drink Monday through Wednesday. We usually find a reason to drink on one of those three evenings. I usually sneak drinks on one of the other evenings. But many weeks I have one totally drink free day. On many occasions, and more and more recently, I have been stringing together 2 or 3 days. On a few occasions I have told myself I am taking a month off and I’ve done 5-7 days.

I’ve tried three separate sober months. I was only successful for one of them, the most recent one, which was 6 months ago. And only if you count 28 days as a month. But I felt great physically and mentally. I told myself, and my husband, that if I couldn’t moderate after that, then I needed to give it up for good. He thinks I have been doing better than I have been doing. I haven’t been doing horrible, but not great either.

I know I need to stop drinking alcohol. Right now I feel like I want to give it up for good. But I’m scared of how disappointed in myself I will be if I make that claim and don’t live up to it. I guess I’m saying 100 days because I’ve heard and read how it takes about that long to be able to get a glimpse of yourself as a non-drinker. I’m hoping that if I see myself that way, I’ll like what I see and want to stay there.

I’m not lying to myself and thinking that after 100 days I’ll magically be able to moderate. Can I moderate? Yes. Maybe once out of every 10 days I drink I succeed in moderating. Those times give me all the false hope I need for the other 9 days of drinking to go varying degrees of bad.

So, it’s only 7:45, and I’m going to get ready for bed. Thank goodness my kids are teenagers and don’t want to spend time with me or need anything from me (well at least not tonight). Today wasn’t hard, but this 100 days thing is new, and my brain is tired of thinking about it.